Schizo
by Phish Tacko
Summary: This is what happens when you combine me, a computer, a few too many energy drinks, and all my favorite characters from my favorite fandoms. Written because I'm stupid.
1. The random plan

**Summary: This is one of my super crossovers. It will be long. I don't update all too often, so don't be surprised. **

**This is supposed to be as retarded as it is. I DON'T CARE IF YOU HATE IT.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this crap. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.**

**CHAPTER 1, PEOPLE!**

"Let's see, what trouble shall I cause today?" Judy the authoress wondered, still typing away on her computer and drinking her Fuze.

"Rock tag, or pencil launching? Rock tag, or pencil launching? Hmmm…"

A light bulb went off over her head and she grinned mischievously. "I'm gonna suck all my favorite characters into this universe!" Judy cackled maniacally and sneezed twice, then continued to cackle.

**Yes. It sucks. You don't have to tell me twice. But it WILL get better.**


	2. Back to The Future

**Summary: Chapter two, y'all. Back to the Future. Now shut up and read.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Dang it…**

**CHAPTER 2, PEOPLE!**

Marty and Jennifer were jumping on Marty's trampoline when they heard a crash. Startled and near the trampoline's edge, the two fell off.

Jennifer was the first to notice the huge hole under the trampoline.

"What the…?" Her mouth hung open. "Marty, look…"

Marty looked under the trampoline and gasped.

"Wha-? How the heck did that get there?!"

"I don't know, but it's sucking us in!" Jennifer shrieked

"Why are we yelling?!"

"I don't know!"

They screamed as they were sucked into the hole.

Then the whiteout came…

**A/N: First official chapter, people! The one before this one was a prologue, technically, so don't get your shorts in a twist.**


	3. A Series Of Unfortunate Events

**Summary: The ASOUE chapter. Dumb. (sarcastic) Hurrah.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this fandom. **

**CHAPTER 3, PEOPLE!**

"Violet?"

"Yeah?"

"Your new air freshener smells like crap." Klaus burst out laughing like some random guy on crack. Violet tried to slug him, but he ducked too fast. Violet picked him up, tossed him onto the couch, and began to tickle his ribcage.

**CRASH!!**

The elder Baudelaires froze, looking toward the back door.

"Let's go." Violet said, grabbing her brother's hand and running outside.

"Holy f--k!"

"Klaus, watch your mouth." Violet scolded, slapping Klaus upside the head. Then they looked into the hole some more.

"I'm getting my camera." Klaus started to run inside.

"Don't." Violet grabbed his arm without even looking away from the hole.

The creepy blue light appeared at the bottom. They couldn't stop staring and barely noticed themselves being sucked into the hole and the whiteout.


	4. They all come to my house

**Summary: Finally, the chapter we've all been waiting for. Well, not quite, but we're gettin' there.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.**

**CHAPTER 4, PEOPLE!**

"Dum da dum, da dum, da dum…" Judy the Authoress hummed to herself, waiting for her characters.

THUD! THUD!

"Marty and Jennifer."

THUD! THUD!

"Violet and Klaus." Judy bolted upright. "Oh, crap! They're here!" She grabbed her Chucks and headed for the back yard.

--

Judy ran toward Marty and Jennifer, who were sitting upright, eyes wide and their hair in disarray.

"Hi! I'm Judy!" She said cheerfully.

"Hi?" Jennifer's eyes shifted nervously. "Where are we?"

"My back yard." Judy pointed at a huge pile of wood. "That's our burn pile, that's the cherry tree, and up by the house is the patio and back porch."

Marty and Jennifer blinked.

Judy blinked in response. Then she ran over to a kid wearing a navy sweater, dark beige pants, and black and white Chuck Taylor Converses. He was thin with a mop of brown hair on his head, pale, clear skin, blue eyes, and he was of meager height. He was wandering by the fence, looking confused.

"KLAUS!" Judy screeched.

Klaus let out a small yelp and turned around.

"GEEZ! What was that for!" He shrieked, putting a pale hand to his chest.

A girl in a black dress walked toward them.

"What'd she do?" She asked.

"VIOLET!" Judy shrieked, jumping up and down.

"Whoa!" Violet took a step back. "Go easy on the caffine!"

Judy let out a shriek of happiness and threw herself into a maniac laughing fit.

After about 10 minutes, Judy stopped laughing and composed herself.

"Shall we go inside?" She asked.

"Yes." came the unanimous answer.


	5. The Grand Tour: part 1

**Summary: I take the people on a grand tour of my house. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, PEOPLE.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**CHAPTER 5, PEOPLE!**

Judy led the characters to the shabby room, through the garage, into a kitchen, and into a living room. All but Judy sat on the couch, barely fitting. Judy, however, sat in her dad's recliner. When she saw how many people were sitting on laps, she began to laugh.

"What?" Marty asked from Jennifer's lap.

"I can't believe how many of you are sitting on laps!" Judy laughed.

"It's not our fault that some of us can't fit…" Klaus reasoned from Violet's lap.

"Okay, then..." Judy giggled. "But it's just so funny!"

Judy got up and stretched her arms.

"I'm gonna show you guys around!" Judy waited as they all got off the couch. Then she led them through the kitchen, which had a laminate floor.

"This is the kitchen."

Judy led them into a room with bad wallpaper.

"This is the laundry room." Judy took a can of diet 7-up out of a cardboard container. "Anybody want one?"

When nobody responded, Judy sighed.

"Okay, then." Judy muttered. A fat black-and-white cat came out from behind the dryer and meowed.

"Hi, Angel!" Judy picked Angel up. "Ack. Angel, you're awfully heavy. This is Angel. We're not gonna keep her, but we're trying to find her a new owner."

"What happened to her old owner?" Marty asked.

"He committed suicide a while back." Judy answered, putting Angel down and stroking her back. Angel purr-meowed and a fat, yellow, worthless tabby cat streaked into the room. Judy grabbed the yellow cat before it got to Angel. "Purball, how many times do we have to tell you to leave Angel alone?"

"Purball? Is that his name?" Marty asked.

"Yup. He won't really hurt you because we got him declawed a while back. Angel, on the other hand, still has her back claws, so watch out for that." Judy paused. "That's why I have these scars around my collarbones."

"Why would you have scratches by your _collarbones_, of all places?" Marty asked.

"I was holding her for my dad and she used my chest as a launch pad so she could get under my bed."

"That sucks." Jennifer murmured.

"I know! She put a hole in one of my favorite shirts!" Judy put Purball around her shoulders. "Purball bites, so look out for that, too." Judy led everyone out of the laundry room and into a room with a piano, sewing machine, and a table. "This is where my mom sews and gives piano lessons."

"Your mother teaches piano?" Violet asked.

"Yup. Sews a ton of stuff, too. It's so freakin' awesome!" Judy led everyone up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs, Judy pointed to the left.

"That's the office." She said, shooing Angel away from the door and opening it.

"Nice computer." Marty said.

"I know, right?" Judy replied, turning the computer on.

"So THIS is what the future is like…" Marty pondered, looking out the window.

"Yup. 2008. Nice, eh?" Judy logged herself onto Fanfiction dot net. "Oh, and feel free to take off your shoes while I invite some more people."

**Ah, the classic cliffhanger. Read and review these next few chapters to find out what happens.**


	6. Ghost Ship

**Summary: Ghost ship.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not the person who came up with the movie, so I don't own it.**

**CHAPTER 6, PEOPLE!**

Katie was taking a walk on the deck of the Antonia Graza when she heard a loud crashing noise.

"What the…?" Katie followed the echoes of the noise.

There was a huge hole in the deck.

"Oh, geez…" Katie thought, eyeballing the hole. "Jack's gonna freakin' hackin' FLIP when he sees this…" Katie looked around the are where she was standing. "Hmmm. Wonder where it leads." She looked down into the hole and jumped in. "LATER, JACK!" She yelled before the whiteout came.


	7. The Ring

**Summary: Chap for The Ring. Read on, The Ring lovers, read on.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Got that?**

**And here we go…**

**CHAPTER 7, PEOPLE!!**

Samara Morgan was watching television in her loft in the barn when she heard a crash.

"Wha-…?" She climbed down the ladder, ran out of the barn, and into the yard. What she saw was a large hole in the ground, just large enough for her to jump through.

"Oh, geez. I hope Daddy doesn't see this…" Samara looked around quickly and jumped into the hole.

"I HOPE THIS IS GOING SOMEPLACE NICE!" Samara closed her eyes as the whiteout came.

**That be the last chapter for this fandom on its own. Criticiam, please.**

**Author's note: There may be a few characters from Twilight in this story. But you'll have to wait and see, because I'm not obsessed with it. Yet.**


	8. Twilight

**Summary: This is Twilight's chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**CHAPTER 8, PEOPLE!!**

Edward and Bella were, once again, in their meadow, enjoying each others' company, when they heard a loud CRASH! noise.

"What was that?" Bella asked, sitting up, squinting into the distance.

"From here, it looks like a gigantic hole…" Edward replied, also sitting up and squinting into the distance. "Let's go see."

--

"Whoa..."

Indeed, there was a huge hole in the ground, at least 7 feet wide with a weird blue light coming from the bottom. Wait, a blue light?

"Why in the heck is there a blue light coming from the hole?" Bella asked, looking into the hole.

"Don't fall in..." Edward warned, holding Bella back, a second too late. She was beginning to fall into the hole, pulling him down with her...

**Be ready...**


	9. The Grand Tour: Part 2

**Summary: Chapter 9... This is not rocket science...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this crap. **

**CHAPTER 9, PEOPLE!!**

Edward sat up after landing on his back in an unfamiliar stretch of yard. His head pounded, and he had no idea where he was. He looked around and saw a green house with a very shabby porch attached to it, 2 girls in white dresses, Bella lying next to him, Jasper (for some crazy reason) by a clothesline, and a small gray tabby cat running around by the shed.

"Socks!" A feminine, Alice-like voice called from the up by the house. "C'mere, baby! C'mon! I've got food!"

The cat, presumably named Socks, raced over to a girl with long blond hair that was tied back in a white elastic band. The girl walked over to the back end of the shed, presumably where Socks' food bowl was, bent down, and emptied a glass container filled with cat food into it. Socks rubbed up against her bare, pale legs, and occasionally against the backside of her shortish denim skirt, purring loudly.

"Ow!" The girl suddenly yelped, moving her flip flop-clad foot away from Socks. Socks jumped, tensing slightly, but soon went back to rubbing against the girl's legs. "Your claws are sharp, cat."

Edward continued to watch the girl feed Socks until Bella sat up, groaning softly and rubbing the back of her head.

"Bella?"

"Ah, geez…" Bella cringed, leaning forward a few degrees. "Where are we?"

"That's what I've been trying to figure out, as well as the girl's identity." Edward pointed at the girl.

Bella looked in the direction Edward was pointing. He was pointing at a honey blond girl wearing a shortish denim skirt, flip flops, and a navy blue FBI t-shirt.

The girl suddenly straightened, looking straight at the bunch of people in her yard.

"HOLY SCHRAP YOU'RE HERE!" She screeched, jumping up and down, scaring Socks a little. "Sorry, Socks…" She cooed, lowering her voice and walking away from the cat.

"Uh…" Edward and Bella exchanged a glance, as did the two girls in white dresses, who had obviously heard the girl's shriek.

"I'm Judy!" She introduced, smiling.

"Where are we?" The girl in the white dress with a full skirt asked.

"We're not part of some experiment…" A girl with a white dress and gleaming black hair asked. "…are we?"

"Naw, you're at my house!" Judy responded, twirling once, obviously not knowing what to do with herself. "Okay, this is, uh, kind of awkward…"

"Yeah, no kidding…" Bella responded, looking down at her feet.

Awkward silence…

"Well, ah, let's go inside…" Judy suggested, letting her eyes shift to Jasper, who was leaning against one of the metal poles attached to the clothesline and rubbing his forehead.

"That's probably a good idea…" Edward replied, walking over to Jasper. "Hey, Jasper, are you okay? How'd you get here?"

"Yeah, but I think I hit my head on something. Ow…" Jasper replied, pressing the heel of his hand to his left temple. "Yeah, Y'know that hole you fell into? I happened to be hunting near it, and it sucked me in."

"C'MON PEOPLE! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY, HERE!" Judy yelled at Edward from across the yard, going inside with Bella and the girls in white dresses.

"Oh, crap, WAIT UP BELLA!"

--

Judy led the characters into the office of her house after giving them a short tour of the downstairs area. She could tell that they were all a bit suspicious about each other, as if they'd seen each other somewhere…

Judy opened the office door, led them all inside, and sank down into the black pleather chair in front of the computer, and logged herself into her email.

"Hey, PaperShredder, you've gotta get down here! My office is full of characters from my favorite movies! I'll beam you over, okay?!" she typed furiously, as if she was in a hurry, or something. She sent the email, and PaperShredder appeared in the room a few seconds later, standing next to Marty.

"HOLY SCHRAP YOU WERE RIGHT!!" PaperShredder shrieked, jumping up and down.

"I KNOW ISN'T THIS AWESOME!!" Judy shrieked back at her, also jumping up and down.

Edward (and everybody else) stood by, bewildered, and a bit scared, of the shrieking twosome in the center of the room. Next to Judy stood a girl (presumably PaperShredder) with glasses that had rectangular lenses and green frames, short brown hair, a pair of denim shorts, a Sea World t-shirt, and flip flops.

"Okay y'all, this is PaperShredder…" Judy introduced once they stopped shrieking at each other in German. PaperShredder waved, grinning from ear to ear. "She just came back from Florida!"

"Disney World?" Bella asked.

"No, silly! SEA WORLD!!" Judy clapped her hands, disturbingly similar to Aro. "That's where she got her shirt!"

"I wanna work there when I get older." PaperShredder added, shoving her hands into her pockets. "Is that one of your Washington DC shirts?"

"Yeah, it is. It's the one I got a Souvenier City!" Judy answered, also shoving her hands in her pockets.

"Who are all these people, exactly?" Marty asked, bringing Judy and PaperShredder back into reality.

"That's what you're about to find out!" Judy answered happily, flopping back into her chair and going to fanfiction dot net.

**Be afraid… be very afraid…**


	10. New friend

**Summary: Do I have to spell it out for you?**

**Disclaimer: Do I have to spell **_**this**_** out for you?**

**CHAPTER 10, PEOPLE**

Judy typed "imdb" into the search bar at the top of the screen and waited for it to load while the characters behind her chatted about various topics.

"Hm, I wonder what Lance is getting into…" She thought, turning her chair to the door and getting up to investigate a scratching noise. She opened the door and her face lit up when a bright orange kitten chirped and rubbed its head on her leg.

"Hi, Lance!" Judy cooed, lifting Lance into her arms and listening to him pur. "I like the way you sing, baby…"

"When'd you get another cat?" Klaus asked in confusion.

"A lot has happened in the past few minutes…" Judy caressed her suddenly short spiky hair unconsciously. Not only was it short and spiky, it was streaked with blue and spiked up so that it looked like Alice Cullen's hair and it reeked of hair product. A brightly colored headband shone at the top of her head, possibly to attract attention to her new hairstyle.(1)

"You're not gonna try and scratch my eye out now, are ya, baby?" Judy cooed at Lance. He responded by chirping and stretching his legs.

"Watch out for his claws, they're sharp." Judy warned, looking straight at Bella.

"Hey, I already have a cat. I know to be careful."

"Yeah, okay…" Judy put Lance in the office chair. "I almost got my eye scratched out by Lance here(1). It's a good thing he only got my eyelid…"

"He did?" Klaus asked, inspecting the outside of Judy's eyelids.

"Inside, lower left lid."

"Ouch…"

"Aw, he's just like Tigie!"

Judy whirled around and saw PaperShredder lovingly cooing at Lance, stroking his back.

"Maybe we should get a pink collar and dress for him, too!" Judy giggled.

Everyone but PaperShredder and Judy exchanged confused glances.

"I slept over at her house and we put a dress and a pink collar on Tigie (1)." Judy explained gleefully, barely holding in a giggle.

"It's even funnier since Tigie's a boy kitty and he liked it!" PaperShredder laughed, making Judy laugh too.

Awkward…

"So…" Samara began softly. "What's the story behind Lance's name?"

Suddenly the room stank like rotten eggs.

"Aw, GEEZ, cat!" Judy coughed, pulling her Team Edward shirt up over her nose.

"Hey, what happened to your FBI shirt?" PaperShredder asked suddenly.

"A lot has happened in the past few minutes…"

"Point taken…"

--

After the green fog cleared and Judy opened the windows, she opened another internet window, went to fanfiction dot net, and logged on again. After it loaded, she went back to her 'favorite authors' list and clicked on bttf4444. Once their profile loaded, Judy clicked 'send message'.

"Hey, Harmony! There's a whole bunch of movie/book characters in my office!" she typed. "I'll beam you over!"

A woman with brown bobbed hair, brown eyes, and slightly tanned skin appeared next to Jasper. She was wearing a white Led Zeppelin t-shirt, a pink sweatsuit, and white socks.

"Harmony!" Judy shrieked, hugging the woman. "Mmm, you smell like strawberries!"

"Thank you, Judy." Harmony said, a friendly smile evident in her gentle voice. "I like your hair!"

"Tee-hee!"

"Yeah, I like the blue…"

"It is SO much easier to style, now! I can do Alice Cullen hair without using up a whole can of hairspray!"

"That's cool." Harmony turned and looked around the office. "Who is everybody?"

"Okay, let's see…" Judy's eyes scanned the room. "You already know Violet, Klaus, Marty, and Jennifer…"

"Yes."

"The one with the messy bronze hair and big bushy eyebrows is Edward. Bella is the one with long brown hair standing next to him, and Jasper's the blonde who looks like he's in pain and is standing next to you."

"Hi…" The Twilight characters said shyly.

"So this is the infamous family of vampires Judy's been talking about…" Harmony mused quietly.

"Well, actually, um, Alice and Rosalie made Emmett go to the mall with them. Esme's at home and Carlisle's at work." Jasper said softly, looking down at his Chucks.

"What does your father do?"

"He's a doctor."

"Okay, moving on…" Judy said to herself as she flopped down on PaperShredder's lap and started working again.

**(1)- True story… **

**Be prepared for the next chapter, which will probably take another couple of months with school and crap… *sigh***


	11. I hate her for what she did

**Summary: FILLER. Major apologies, but I may as well do something to tide my readers over. Completely improvised.**

**Disclaimer: You should know this by now. I DON'T OWN SH*T. Get over it.**

* * *

"Hey, where'd PaperShredder go?" Bella suddenly asked, causing Judy to look up from the keyboard where she typed. A pained expression crossed her features for a split second, but was gone as suddenly as it had come on. Her pale thin fingers continued to type, but had lost some of their speed as Judy inhaled shakily.

"PaperShredder is dead." She replied darkly, narrowing her eyes at the page she was browsing. Her now-limp hair hung in her black-rimmed eyes, rather thank spiking outward. Her skin had gotten considerably paler and the healthy flush was gone from her cheeks. Her emerald green eyes had lost their sparkle and seemed to have sunken into her face.

"What?"

"Joking, joking. She's just dead to me. But I'm sure she's quite pleased with herself about it." Judy narrowed her dead eyes and death-gripped her phone in one pale hand, smoothing her black corset with the other. "She will be killed later, but that's another story to read about."

Lance chirped, causing Judy to look down at him from her chair.

"Hi, Dopey..." she cooed, lifting the cat into her arms and scratching his belly.

"What happened to 'Lance'?" Jasper suddenly asked, furrowing his brows in confusion.

"All he responds to is 'Dopey' now." Judy put Lance/Dopey down and smoothed her lolita skirt. "I hate PaperShredder so much for what she did..."

"What did she do?" Marty asked.

"It's a long story."

"I'm sure we can keep up."

After about 5 minutes, Judy had informed them all of what had been done to her.

"That b*tch!" Jennifer suddenly exclaimed, earning a glance from Marty as he put his hand on her shoulder.

"I know, right?" Judy agreed, an angry flush spreading across her cheeks. Butterflies rippled in her stomach at the memory and she shuddered, sitting back down in her pleather chair. "She's a bloody wonder, all right. Eminently practical, and yet appropriate, as always. But as she's said repeatedly, there's little point in dwelling on the past. What's dead is dead."

"Did you just quote Sweeney Todd?" Edward asked.

"Yes. Don't judge me."

"I wasn't gonna."

* * *

**Well, kiddos, that ought to hold you for awhile. Don't thank me for updating, or anything. Look out for new chapters, blah blah blah.**


	12. Sweeney Todd

**Summary: Hey, buttheads. Guess who's finally updating this fabulous piece of crap? Mmm-hmm. Me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these fandoms, blah blah blah, everything belongs to the original owners, whoever they are. Blah blah blah.**

* * *

"HA! Take that, Toby!" Sweeney shouted triumphantly, slapping his hand of cards on the table. "Four aces!"

"Aw..." Toby pouted. "Not cool, Mr T!"

Mrs Lovett chuckled at the boys as they continued with their poker game.

"Boys will be boys..." She sighed to herself and went back to cleaning the counter.

CRASH!

"Wot in the name of...?" Mrs Lovett and Sweeney both headed for the back door to see what was the matter.

Outside, there was a huge hole in the ground. Anthony and Johanna were already standing over it in wonder.

"How did THIS happen?" Sweeney asked, leaning forward a bit so he could see into the hole.

"It's glowing at the bottom..." Johanna noted, following her father's lead.

"Why does it feel like we're about to be sucked in?" Anthony suddenly asked, turning toward Johanna.

"BECAUSE YOU ARE." A voice said from above before all four of them were sucked down the hole.

Meanwhile, in the pie shop, Toby sat at the table, still holding his hand of cards.

"Wonder where they are..." he said to himself quietly. "Oh well." He hopped off his stool and proceeded to raid the gin cabinet.

* * *

**Eat up, muchachos.**


	13. Sleepy Hollow

**Summary: Sleepy Hollow, muchachos.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this wonderful work of art that I will now proceed to write about. **

* * *

Ichabod Crane sat hunched over his ledger once more as he worked on his latest case.

"Grrr..." he growled. "This is frustrating..."

"Why's it so frustrating?"

Ichabod jumped at the sound of Katrina Van Tassel's soft voice behind him.

"Kindly stop doing that." he sighed, putting a hand to his chest. "This is the third time today that you've done that."

"Sorry." Katrina sat down next to him and looked at his ledger. "What's frustrating you?"

"It's this case... I have no leads on anything. It's driving me insane." Ichabod sighed, rested his elbows on the desk and pressed the heels of his hands to his forehead. "I have no idea why I decided to be a constable."

"Hm." Katrina wrapped her arms around Ichabod and pulled him into a hug, resting her chin atop his head of soft black hair. He sighed tiredly and laid his head down on her warm shoulder, savoring the sweet smell of her hair.

**CRASH!**

The two lovers broke their embrace at the sound of a loud thud.

"What was that...?" Ichabod squinted in the direction of the noise and began to slowly edge toward the door. Katrina followed, and the two were soon running through the apartment and to the back yard. **(I'm well aware that they probably don't have a yard. Quit nitpicking.)**

"Oh, wow..." Ichabod's eyes widened at the sight of a huge hole in the middle of the yard. "My landlord is going to kill me for this..." Katrina leaned forward so as to get a good look at the hole.

"Ichabod? Why's it glowing blue?" she asked him, furrowing her brows in confusion.

"Don't ask me, I don't know..." Ichabod gazed into the hole with wide eyes. "Wait, are we being sucked in?"

"YES." A voice said from above, and the two were then sucked into the hole.

* * *

**Eat up and get ready for more, hopefully soon.**


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